Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Writing a Novel: Part One - OR - A Much Needed distraction From Writing This F@$%ing Thing

Hello, all you blog readers out there. You probably stumbled across this by mistake, or I click-baited you, or you like my Ello posts and thought, "Hey, let's see what else this guy's got."

Well, I got you now, sucka.

I am writing a novel right now, and let me tell you, it SUCKS.

Not the book - the book is damn good. I personally think it's a masterpiece in the making, in my more delirious moments. What sucks is writing the thing.

Have you ever said something, and then everyone you were talking to just stared at you, and you think, "Wow, that sounded waaaaaaaaaaaay better in my head."? That's what writing a novel is like. It's putting word after word after word after word down on your computer screen, and desperately trying not to wonder if it's actually good, or if it just sounds good in your head. And you want SO BADLY to show it to people and say, "Hey, this is the novel I'm working on, what do you think?"


So I keep plugging away*. Just keep adding words and sentences and dialogue and paragraphs and chapters, wondering if my characters sound like real people (or at least good fake people) or if it's all just flat dialogue moving my ridiculous plot forward. I'm pretty sure I had my main character get some kind of injury in the second chapter that I completely forgot about, so that will need to be fixed in editing, along with a bunch of other crap. Also, do you know how hard it is to come up with good character names? Probably, if you're a writer, you do. Or maybe it comes naturally to you. In that case, lucky you, now go away. Just kidding. Stay. Sit. Good writer.

*Yes, I realize that I just switched from "you" to "I", but this is MY blog, damnit, and I will incorporate all the verb-tense and POV confusion I want to. If you don't like it, well this blog doesn't have any readers anyway, so it doesn't matter.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen and daleks, my plot is ridiculous. I mean, the very first chapter is pretty much a Cloverfield-ish crocodile monster attacking New York City, and getting thwarted by an inept private investigator. Then the teenage ninja shows up. Then it just gets weirder.

So far, I'm about 20,000 words in, with plenty of the rest outlined and even about a 4000 word chapter already written. That leaves me with about... 40000 to 50000 words to go. And if that figure doesn't depress you like it depresses me, then no whiskey for you. I'm keeping it all. And it's good whiskey, too. Woodford Reserve Bourbon. That's right, be jealous.

And another thing: I have to write a sex scene pretty soon. I have never written a sex scene before. I don't want it to be 50 Shades of Gray (grey?) explicit or anything, but damn! It's hard writing something you've never written before. Okay, maybe I've written a couple sex scenes, but those weren't for serious or anything. I want to get this shit published!


Anyway, the idea is to get the first draft written by the beginning of February, let it sit untouched until around Valentine's Day, then start rewriting the thing. Hopefully by mid-March I can get it out to some beta-readers or an editor or something. I'm not 100% on how to proceed once the second draft is finished.

Anyway, that's enough musing for tonight. I've written about 2000 words today, which is pretty good considering I didn't get home until about 8:00. I'm sure I'll do another one of these pretty soon. Until then, go read a couple of my stories that I've posted here. I think they're all pretty awesome. Except "Asylum". That one kinda sucks, but it's short. I wrote that when I was drunk in about ten minutes.

Okay, for real this time, I need to go write.

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