Sucks to be The Chosen One

“Ugh!” grunts Zoe, “We’re lost, aren’t we?”  

“No, damnit! It’s just a detour!”  

“Just pull over somewhere!” she says, “Right there!”  

I pull the car over in a church parking lot. Zoe gets the map out and unfolds in on the dashboard. To be honest, I really don’t know where we are. I followed the detour signs, but damn! We’re in the middle of nowhere.  

“I have no idea where we are,” says Zoe after a few minutes.  

“Well, let’s go ask directions in the church.”  

“It’s midnight!” she says, “there’s nobody in there.”  

“Look,” I say, pointing, “the lights are on. Come on.”  

We get out of the pickup truck and walk toward the church.  

“I’ve got my pepper spray in my pocket,” she says.  

“Zoe, it’s a church!” I say as we approach the door, “You think we’re gonna get attacked in a church?”  

I pull the door open and see nothing but brilliant blue light, right before something hits me in the chest and knocks me onto my ass.  

“What the fuck?!” yells Zoe.  

“OOOPH!” I grunt as I push the guy off of me. Did this guy really come flying out of the church right as I open the door? I look up at Zoe, who picked something off the ground.  

“Is that a sword?” I ask, standing up.  

“Yeah, and it’s badass!” she says, “who’s that guy?” 

I look at the ground. There’s a guy dressed like an extra from a battle scene in Lord of the Ring lying on the ground. Then I see the blood.  

“Shit shit shit!” I yell, “This guy is hurt bad.”  

I drop to a knee by the guy.  

“Hey, man,” I say, “are you okay?”  

He looks at me for a moment, then at Zoe. His eyes go wide.  

“The… pink… haired… one…” he mutters.  

“What about her hair?” I ask.  

“She… the cho-“ he breaks off, coughing.  

“What?” says Zoe, “What are you trying to say?”  

“You are… the chosen… one…” he says. Then he looks at me. “You must… protect… the chosen one…” he says.  

“Okay,” I say, “I’ll protect her.”  

“Promise…” he says, weakly, “promise… me…”  

“I promise,” I say, “I promise I’ll protect her.”  

The guy passes out.  

“This guy needs help!” she yells. I check my iPhone.  

“Shit, no reception!” I say.  

“We should check inside the church!” says Zoe, frantic.  

“You mean the church this grievously injured man just flew out of?” I ask, “the one with the crazy blue light?”  

“Oh,” she says, “good thinking.”  

“We’ve got to bring him to a hospital.” I look down at the guy. 

“Okay,” I say, and take a surprisingly high-tech bow and a quiver full of arrows off the guy. I sling the arrows over my shoulder and take the bow. Then the doors of the church burst open, bathing us in weird blue light. I feel a pull, and try to run toward the truck, but then I feel myself actually leaving the ground, and see Zoe lose her footing. The two of us literally fly into the light. I close my eyes. Zoe is screaming. I am screaming. Then I hit the ground.  

I open my eyes. We’re in a weird place. It looks like we’re in front of an old Scottish castle, except that it was designed by MC Escher and Dr. Seuss while they were on a particularly bad acid trip. And there were people all around. I stand up. Zoe stands up next to me. We look at each other.  

“Um,” says Zoe, “What the fuck?”  

I look around again, my head a bit clearer. There are people, all dressed similar to the guy at the church. They look like they are arrayed for battle.  

“Um…” says Zoe, “we might have a problem.”  

I look the other way, toward the castle, and gulp. The Lord of the Ring comparison I made earlier was good, because across from the people, were orcs. Or possibly demons. Or both. I hear someone shout from the people side.  

“The Chosen One!” some people start shouting, then it turns into a chant. Then the demons start screaming. Then both sides start rushing toward us.  

“Fuck!” I shout, notching an arrow (I learned how to shoot from my uncle Paul, who is the definition of hillbilly). 

“Zoe, RUN!” I let the arrow fly and it hits a demon, then explodes.  

“Cool,” I say, then I see Zoe rushing at one of the demons.  

“Zoe, what the hell?!?” I shout, running after her, notching another arrow as I go.  

“There’s nowhere to run!” she shouts, “We’ve got to fight our way out!”  

Then she cuts a demon down, then the human people join the fight.  

It’s a pretty epic battle. I find an axe next a dead guy and a couple demons, and fight my way over to Zoe. She is cutting demons up like it’s her job. I’ll admit I’m a little turned on. Then I catch a demon in the chest with the axe as he’s about to skewer Zoe. Things go on like this for a little while, I pull back a little with Zoe, so we aren’t in the middle of the fight. It looks like the good guys are winning!  

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

A bunch of humans go flying. I look over and there is a giant motherfucker, at least fifteen feet tall, who looks like he’s made of shadows. He’s swatting people out of the way and they are flying like a meteor lands wherever it’s fists hit, and suddenly, Zoe and I are in the front ranks. The thing looks at us, and then it yells in a ridiculously scary voice.  

“Ah, the Chosen One,” it says, “I turn your bones into a crown!”  

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit,” yells Zoe.  

“ZOE, RUN!” I scream, “NOW!”  

I notch an arrow and shoot it at the things chest. It flies right through. Then I turn and run, probably screaming, I’m not even sure. I don’t see Zoe, but I need to run. I can feel the thing behind me. Then, suddenly, there’s Zoe. There’s a group of humans standing in a semi-circle around her, and it looks like they aren’t letting her through. Zoe is yelling, but I can’t hear her. She looks pissed. She swings the sword at a guy, and he blocks it with his shield. Then she lets out a rage-filled scream, and just throws the sword at the giant demon. I’m still running, but I hear a huge, ear-shattering, soul-wrenching shriek.  

I look back. The giant shadow monster is clutching it’s chest, right where Zoe’s sword-hilt is protruding, smoke billowing out of him.